The thing about being a father in the 21st century is that everyone expects you to be kind, caring, loving, gentle, and supportive to the child's needs. Okay, I agree...to a point.

Each of the above can and are as important to a 2 year old as a 18 year old but 2 year olds don't have any understanding of social interaction. They say and do the darnedest thing and have no control over their emotions. They in fact only seem to experience two types: happy and mad. I truly believe it is the papa's job, even more so than the mother, to ENFORCE limits.

Let me explain a minute.

We're lucky in the sense that we can afford to give Zack a stay-at-home mom who works with him day in and day out SETTING limits, teaching him his letters, to count his toes (he always skips 6 and 7 heading straight for 8, 9, 10...it's too cute), and learning his colors and shapes. They play together, read together, experience new things together and more often of late test limits together. After a full day of Pavla having to say "no, no, NO, no," by the time I'm home she's pooped and Zack's just getting his second wind. Now I walk in the door and he does the daddy's home dance (which, gentlemen, is worth the price of admission). 5 to 10 minutes later after all the tickling and wrestling is done, it's time to sit down for dinner. A 2 year old's table manners are a thing of beauty. If you have one that sits still and eats what you put in front of him you should get down on your knees and pray to God in thanks because it is a rare gift. With Zack, you'd think we'd put electrodes in his booster seat. In his mind plates of food are to be played with, knocked on the floor, or given to the dog outright. Dinner is daddy's turn.

Now the books say "you can't discipline 2 year olds because they don't understand, you should ignore them until they do what you want." Okay so we start with that. Then the plate gets dumped on the table, then the arm pushes the food to the floor, and daddy's ears start turning red. "No, no, NO, no, no." I can ignore the screaming and the fussing but that may be a friend's kitchen floor or worse their carpet someday and darn it, limits ARE important. Just when you think you are going to explode, a little red alert light goes off in the child's head where they quickly turn on the "don't kill me" force field. They smile, they giggle, and they look at you with love.

Sidebar: One of the things I learned in my "Nonverbal Communication" course I took in college was that smiles are infectious. If you smile a smile that reaches your eyes, even someone who's pissed at you will find it hard not to calm down having to fight against the instinct to return the smile in kind. Babies know this by instinct as it keeps them alive.

I was a Drill Sergeant for 6 years and I'm a manager at work. I'm used to setting expectation and having them met. You can't reason with a 2 year old. Right now he doesn't even understand the concept of "if; then." Getting a child to multitask is right out. Carrot and the stick can work but the stick has to be none physical (take away a toy for a day). The only time I think it is appropriate to cause pain or discomfort to a child is if you are attempting to prevent even MORE pain or discomfort.

Two examples.

First, Zack found out that our 100 pound dog has a tail. Now our dog would take anything Zack would do to him with nothing more than a plaintive stare at either Pavla or myself. Since there are other animals in the world not so understanding we knew we had to put a stop to it else a shocked or angry dog turn and bite him. So we start with the "no" and explain it hurts Solo (our dog) and he shouldn't do that. Zero effect. Now Zack hates people touching his ears so every time he pulled Solo's tail I would tug on one of his ears telling him that's what he's doing to his friend. Not hard, just enough to get this attention. He now still points at the tail sayings "Solo's tail" but he doesn't pull it.

Second one deals with the oven. A quick thump on the back of the wrist (again, not crippling) is painful but no where near the kind of pain a 2nd or 3rd degree burn can have. Personally, I think physical pain can be instructive to a child (again, moderation is the key). Not "call social services" type pain, more like watching them fall down when they doing something "risky." Like climbing on things the wrong way. Slip, bam! Followed by the obligatory "be careful son."

I got thinking about this while listening to Doctor Laura on the way home last night (hey, I can admit I listen to her on occasion, she has some good points). Her contention last night boils down to mothers nature being to want to protect children FROM risk while fathers want to expose children TO risk. I'll buy that. Watch how a mother carries a newborn around facing in while fathers carry them around facing out, like a football, showing them the world so to speak.

I know I'm still somewhat new at this but I believe fathers should be kind, caring, loving, gentle, and supportive but they also have a responsibility to their children to enforce limits and expose to them to controlled risk. Am I off base?

Anyway, for them what care, there it is.

previous - next - links