"Jealousy is the single most obnoxious act in Lovedom - and second place? See that speck on the horizon? That speck is using a telescope to try to locate second place.

"Jealousy means:
A. You don't trust the person you're with to
i) prefer you - unless you are the only man/woman on earth.
ii) behave.

B. You view everyone else as competition in the Who's the Most Attractive Contest - and you don't trust yourself to win unless you get to guide your sweetie's hand when it's his turn to vote.

C. You are completely irrational.

D. Either that, or you believe whiny accusations are the best way to make your partner happy. (Under the circumstances, I'd go with D. At least you you can pretend that you've got good intentions.)

E. The only control you have over the relationship is the hands-on, no-you-can't-go-to-that-party-without-me control.

F. You feel you need control (see B), and are therefore an extremely high risk to be an abusive partner, physically or emotionally or both. People who do what I do are supposed to advise anyone with a jealous partner explicitly to dump that partner NOW.

G. You are such a pain in the ass.

"A little flicker of jealousy can indicate there's something going on you should know about, but that only works if you are never otherwise jealous. How much faith do you put in a burglar alarm that goes off when the wind blows? Even if you do trust the alarm, you check the doors and windows - once - and go back to what you were doing. You don't wait at the door with a gun.

"If you were raised to believe jealousy is a sign that you care about somebody or vice versa, get over it (and sue whoever raised you). Not only will jealousy say all the aforementioned ugly things about you, but if you don't put a leash on it, it will also have the bonus affect of forcing your partner to answer constantly to your various charges - charges that, as you know, can't be proven unless they're true. (Please describe for me what definitive photographic proof of a person not cheating would look like.) So a perfectly innocent partner will be incapable of proving innocence, which means you won't ever really believe the defense, which means you will keep accusing, and the innocent partner will get really, really tired of this and dump you, which means you will have achieved exactly the thing you most feared.

"If you were cheated on and you're jealous because you haven't found a way to trust the person again? Leave. It's over.

"A love partnership is a simple transaction: You send love and you receive it. If you don't believe someone could love you - if you're so insecure, so uncertain of your worth that you think someone will drop you the minute you allow him to meet other people - then you may be giving love, but you aren't accepting the delivery. That means you aren't a true partner. If you're plagued by doubts about your worth, then you have to address them; there is nothing anyone else can say or do that will get rid of them for you. Just ask all the anyone-else's you've been torturing all these years with your utterly groundless suspicion."

Today's secret messages:

Andrew: The chair is against the wall
Liam: Uncle Sam has a long beard
Aradd: Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine