Cheers!

Below is a [real] position announcement, followed by a translation explaining what it really means.
[Translation provided by Steve Long, [email protected]]

The Position Announcement

Overview
This client's new project and product will be the industry-leading product innovation and testing center, turning insights into action while achieving quality execution and accelerated speed to market. The Business Systems Analyst enables this vision by collaborating directly with marketing and operational partners to aggressively develop new products for 3 of the 5 Hills (USM Reinvention, Customer Segments and Competitive Lines), contributing substantially to the strategic imperatives of the company. The BSA is the lead technical resource within the Core Team (comprised of marketing and operational partners), contributing strongly to the ideation and evaluation of all products, participating in all decisions to determine which products will be tested. In addition, the BSA is responsible for leading the technical requirements analysis, driving the system design and construction, and delivering a successful, holistic product. Also within the scope of the BSA's responsibilities is: integrated testing, quality and risk planning, respresenting the products to the larger IT community, mentoring of other BSAs and core team members, and acting as steward of the customer experience. The BSA is also the relationship manager to all production system areas, should the design require enhancements to systems outside of the Invention Factory infrastructure environment. Further, the BSA is accountable for providing functional and technical leadership through the development of a flexible infrastructure, thus enabling the Invention Factory to reach its goals of: 8-wk product development life cycle, launch of 50+ tests, and 6 successful rollouts in 2002. The qualified associate will also help define the long-term design, processes and metrics necessary to become the industry leading product innovation testing center. A strong candidate would be widely recognized by his/her peers and business partners for both technical and business expertise. He/she should possess comprehensive knowledge of the functional and operational aspects of supported business areas and will provide leadership and highly technical knowledge to ensure exceptional design, development and quality implementation of business solutions.

Job Qualifications
Required: This BS/BA candidate will bring 6-10 years experience. Strong preference will be given to candidates with outside experience in similar innovative testing facilities, extensive technical backgrounds and/or other relevant experience. Preferred: MS/MBA or equivalent, with up to 5 years progressive experience. May include senior level equivalent work for non-degreed incumbent.

The Translation

This client's new project and product
[Someone in marketing has a "concept"]

will be
[we don't have anything yet]

the industry-leading product innovation and testing center
[the marketing exec is very impressed with his idea...but he's still trying to get it to gel... is it a product or a center ? hmm....]

turning insights into action
[although the DWIM-N-WIS instruction is not implemented, either in automated systems or in people, it sounds good.... DWIM-N-WIS:� do what I mean, not what I say.� It's your job to make it work]

while achieving quality execution
[you have to be perfect or� any product and service shortcomings or failures will be blamed on you]

and accelerated speed to market
[we are already behind schedule and expect you to work 20 hours a day to get the project back on schedule...or any product and service shortcomings or
failures will be your fault.]

The Business Systems Analyst enables this vision
[ The BSA is the scapegoat]

by collaborating directly
[will be told by others what to do]

with marketing and operational partners
[you are at the bottom of the heap, but "partners" sounds better]

to aggressively develop
[ok, 36 hours a day]

new products
[poorly thought out whims]

for 3 of the 5 Hills
[piles of you know what]

(USM Reinvention
[we change whenever it is convenient, especially if we need to avoid responsibility or blame something on someone else]

Customer Segments
[whatever way marketing chooses to slice and dice anyone they think might remotely be induced to hand over their dollars for one of those poorly thought out concepts which you have to make a reality]

and Competitive Lines)
[clone what the other guys are doing and put our name on it, just like Bill G. does]

contributing substantially
[you get to do it all]

to the strategic imperatives of the company
[and if you fail, we go bankrupt and it will be your fault.]

The BSA is the lead technical resource
[scapegoat]

within the Core Team (comprised of marketing and operational partners),
[you are the coffee bringer, gopher, and,...oh yeah...you do the project, too]

contributing strongly
[doing what everyone tells you to do]

to the ideation and evaluation of all products
[as we thought about the position, we decided we want you to do marketing's job too]

participating in all decisions
[you have to be at the meetings so you can be told what to do]

to determine which products will be tested
[after we discuss� new ideas in the meetings you get to sit in on so you can be told what to do]

In addition,
[oh, here is something else for you to do...]

the BSA is responsible for
[scapegoat]

leading
[scapegoat]

the technical requirements analysis
[since you're already fetching coffee for the marketing and operations execs, you can take notes while they think up more whimsical concepts and tell you how great their ideas are]

driving
[it's your fault if it is not done]

the system design and construction
[you should also be a technology guru in addition to being able to fetch coffee and take notes]

and delivering
[scapegoat]

a successful
[you really have to make it work]

holistic
[we don't really know what this means, but it sounds good...someone in marketing suggested it]

product.
[if you make all this happen, we think we can say we have a product]

Also within the scope of the BSA's responsibilities is
[hey... the ops guys just remembered some other things that need done]

integrated testing
[we found this word in one of those "technology for dummies' books]

quality
[ if we don't like, it's your fault]

and risk planning,
[provide a schedule of all future system outages, hardware failures, tornadoes, hurricanes, and political uprisings for the next five years...and what you are going to do about them]

respresenting the products
[ someone from sales just dropped by...they have a position they can't fill]

to the larger IT community
[we're not sure who this is, but maybe you can write papers for conferences or something so the sales guys can go and present it]

mentoring of other BSAs
[while managing the project, ensuring delivery, and bringing coffee for the marketing, operations, and sales execs, you get to train all the new people]

and core team members
[do you think we would really let you train people from marketing, ops, and sales???]

,and acting as steward of the customer experience
[and you get to handle all of the customer complaints...well, hey, you built it didn't you?]
.
The BSA is also
[make that 48 hours a day...]

the relationship manager
[if anyone is unhappy or PO'd we'll blame that on you too]

to all production system areas
[this makes it sound more impressive]

should the design require enhancements
[we're still trying to figure out what we're doing...]

to systems outside of the Invention Factory infrastructure environment.
[in consideration of equal opportunity, they need a scapegoat too]

Further,
[ummm... how about 72 hours a day?]

the BSA is accountable for
[the BSA is also the scapegoat for ]

providing functional and technical leadership
[being the scapegoat]

through the development of a flexible infrastructure
[sure...we want you take the blame for all of our infrastructure problems too....not that you can do anything about it]

thus enabling
[we can't figure it out, so we want to you]

the Invention Factory
[marketing guys and their whims]

to reach its goals of:
[we'll tell you when is enough and you have to do it all]

8-wk product development life cycle
[ ok, ok... we really want you to work 168 hours a day]

launch of 50+ tests
[the + is really important...it's really 5000 or so, but we don't want to scare you]

and 6 successful rollouts in 2002
[if we find a scapego....ur, candidate, before July 1, you get to do one a month for the rest of the year.�Oh, did anyone tell you it takes three months per roll-out ? ]

The qualified associate
[being� a scapegoat doesn't require much]

will also
[we found some more open positions that we can't fill]

help define
[go to more meetings to be told more things to do]

the long-term
[if you get this done so we avoid bankruptcy...]

design, processes and metrics
[we found these words in "processes for dummies"]

necessary
[you really, really have to do this or we're toast]

to become
[cause we're nowhere right now]

the industry leading
[once we figure out what industry we are in]

product innovation
[marketing whims]

testing center.
[which you have to figure out what it really means]

A strong candidate
[someone who will take a small, or even modest, salary to be a scapegoat]

would be widely recognized
[we'll have a picnic in your honor]

by his/her peers and business partners
[and you can invite a few of your friends]

for both technical and business expertise.
[and we'll have two hats for you which you can wear at the picnic]

He/she
[we found out there are both male and female goats...who would'a thought...?]

should possess comprehensive knowledge
[you need to know everything because no training will be provided]

of the functional and operational aspects
[we know that's the CEO's job, but he needed more golf days]

of supported business areas
[that's all of them, if you hadn't noticed]

and will provide leadership
[oh yeah....did we mention...be the scapegoat...?]

and highly technical knowledge
[we want you to keep it to yourself cause we don't understand any of that stuff]

to ensure
[take the blame for]

exceptional design, development and quality implementation of business solutions.
[all areas which may fail or suffer a loss].

Job Qualifications

Required: This BS/BA candidate
[Required:� This Bull Sh*t Business Analyst candidate]

will bring 6-10 years experience.
[like we said, no training will be provided]

Strong preference will be given to candidates with outside experience
[we can't find anyone in the company stupid enough to take the job]

in similar innovative testing facilities
[which don't exist because we are innovating a new concept...or are we stealing this one, Bill ?]

extensive technical backgrounds
[you speak geek in at least three versions and five releases]

and/or other relevant experience
[and can bring coffee without spilling it on the execs]

Preferred: MS/MBA or equivalent
[Preferred:� More Sh*t� / Makes Better Aromas or equivalent]

,with up to 5 years
[we found anyone with more than 5 years of experience after college know better than to apply for this position, so don't worry about the 6-10 years we mentioned earlier]

progressive experience
[job hoppers and transients accepted]

May include senior level equivalent work for non-degreed incumbent.
[we found this in "hr for dummies" ...maybe you can figure it out.]