It's there. That is the question, the one question no man ever wants to hear and you will hear it. Here is a hint: The answer to the question "Am I fat" is NOT "Compared to what"? or even "No honey, you are just experiencing a new weight paradigm." It is always and simply "No." Are you lying? Could be, but you are not in the wrong.

There are times to tell the truth, times to be dishonest, and times to withhold hurtful information. As I see it, there are two categories of lies: lying to protect yourself and lying to protect others (or to protect the peace). Both of these can be further broken into subcategories of denial (answering falsely) and withholding (not volunteering information). People have written whole books on just this topic and when I find one that fits, I'll recommend it to you. What you need to understand is that every time you lie, you violate the trust your lover puts in you. Each deception, no matter how minor or how laudable the intent, erodes her faith in you. You have to actively work to build this back. You're default response should always be to tell the truth. With that in mind, you have to weigh the impact on the relationship to determine the value of full disclosure.

What does denial to keep the peace mean? Let's take the example of "Am I fat?" Her question is not what she asked. Her real question is "Do you still love me?" You need to be cognizant of her need for reassurance that you still want to be with her. First address the question she verbalized, than go to the heart of her need. Turn off the TV and spend some quality time rekindling that connection. She knows you're lying about the fat thing but she will value your efforts at demonstrating your commitment to her. Watch out for "am I fat?" because it has many different forms. "Is my nose too big?" "Do I have big hips?" "Are my breasts too small?" Nope!

What does withholding to keep the peace mean? How about an example: Your lovely lady buys a brown dress that she paid a lot of money for which she can't return and you HATE it. It may be the truth to tell her it makes her look like a sack of potatoes but where is the value in that honesty? Why go there? If you truly can't stand the dress, tell her you prefer the red one because of the way it sets off her eyes.

Now let's move on to the hard ones. Denial and withholding to protect yourself is the hardest thing to get a handle on. Our natural instinct towards self-preservation makes us all knee-jerk liars. "Did you drink the last soda?" "No." Why do we do that? Fear probably. We are afraid to live up to the consequences of our actions and inactions. "Did you take out the trash?" "Yes." We know a little investigation will prove us wrong yet we still do it. "Are you cheating on me?" "No." Woops! Now we're trapped. Since we now have a track record of "no" meaning "yes" and "yes" meaning "no", where do you go? If she can't trust you to answer truthfully on the little things, how in the heck do you expect her to believe you when she drops the bomb on you?

Now lets bring in the problem of guilt. Your lover is not your priest. If you decide to share something with her that she has no suspensions about because you feel guilty and you want it off your conscience, then you have the wrong motivation. If you've done something in the distant past that you shouldn't have AND its coming to light can have no positive affect on the relationship, you should shut up and suck up the guilt. Your guilt is your own, don't throw it on her.

We all lie in a hundred little ways each day and I know I can't provide all the rules. We lie at the office, at home, and with our friends. She's going to lie to you and you to her. When she lies to you, try to figure out her intent. If she says, "No dear, you're not fat" smile and give her a hug knowing that she loves you.

First off, you probably have a better chance of getting hit by lightening than marrying your high school sweetheart, but that is more of a result of this rule than the core of it.

The only constant in the world is change. When I was young, I was a very different person than I am today. I didn't know as much and I hadn't experienced as much. I had different interests and different passions. What I wanted from a relationship then and now is like night and day. Here is the hint: women are like that too. It's true. You think their priorities don't change? Their wants, their dreams? We all grow up. I'm not the same man your mother married and she's not the same woman.

When I began dating your mother, I fell in love with her beauty, youth, energy, and intellect. Later I realized I truly valued her for her heart, compassion, reason, and passion. Today I wake up each morning and discover that the thing I loved most about her has changed. Today it may be her commitment, tomorrow her wisdom. It may vary dependent on my personal mood but there is always something topping the list. When I'm 60, I'll probably love your mother for putting up with a crazy old opinionated coot who for 40 years has been messing up the house and coming home late from work. It's kind of like looking at a diamond from a different facet. Just because the angle has changed doesn't mean your diamond has.

All that being said, whenever I dream about your mother, I still see that beautiful young woman I fell in love with so long ago and when I wake up I look into her eyes and know she's still laying right next to me.

Boy did learning this Rule come in handy. When your mother and I were first married, we fought like cats and dogs. Now I'll get to fighting fair later but man I got to tell you about our horrible communication methods during our first couple of years together. As it turns out it was literally all my fault. Here I thought I was "the man" with my degree in communications and all my psychology classes and I just knew I could solve any marital problems that reared its ugly head. Wrong! Attempting to solve all of our problems WAS the problem.

A friend of ours at the time lent us a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" written by John Gray, Ph.D. Now there is a lot of good information in this book and, if you can sit down and read it, it will save you a ton of problems in the future. The short version of the relevant part is this: Men want to hunt down and kill their problems while women want to share and talk about their problems. They don't actually want you to fix it; just listen. And if you attempt to help them fix it without them asking, it pisses them off. ("Hey idiot, shut up and empathize with me a moment.") It was like an explosion of understanding. Men and women are different. Wow. They don't tell you that kind of stuff at progressive liberal arts colleges. There, men and women are the same just with different genitals. Truth is they are part right and part wrong.

In the interest of full disclosure I need to throw in just a little more information. In one college course, I was called upon to do a research paper on the differences between sex (male, female) and gender roles (masculine, feminine, and androgynous). In most cases, males have masculine traits (Aggressive, Independent, Dominant, Strong) and women have feminine (Gentle, Dependent, Emotional, Weak). It is important to note that these characteristics are general categories that have a lot more to them than I'll cover and may/will differ slightly from culture to culture. A low percentage of individuals have the ability to ride the fence exhibiting equal amounts of both masculine and feminine traits. These gender-neutral people are not ruled by either high levels of testosterone (aggression) or estrogen (mood swings) and have had prolonged and positive exposure to both a mother and a father. Being androgynous is a positive thing not negative as it means you can much easier empathize with both groups needs. On even rarer occasions, you'll have a sex versus gender conflict with guys who are described as effeminate and women who are described as butch. Although this crossing over can be an indicator of one's sexual orientation, it is not a controlling factor in and amongst itself. So while Doctor Gray's "Men" and "Women" is correct the majority of the time, it doesn't take into account those transgender individuals that buck the cultural gender norms. It probably would be more correct for the Rule 8 to state, "People with the gender-role Feminine have too many problems to fix" but that doesn't look good on a bumper sticker.

Dear God that last paragraph was boring. The whole thing should be taken out and shot. I'm writing a letter to my son not the opening to a dissertation. The short of it is that there are differences between sex and gender but in all likelihood Rule 8 should apply to you. When your lady starts talking about her problems, spend more time empathizing than analyzing. It makes for a happier relationship.