Remember that when you fight, and believe me you will, you need to fight fair. The objective of your fight should not be to win but rather to get out of it alive. It took me a while to learn that. Here I was trained in college in the wonderful art of debate and I was using it to my advantage. I was countering her points, exploiting her argument's weakness, and digging my own grave. The art of fighting fair takes quite a bit of practice to learn so let me start you down a road with a few helpful hints:

Hint 1: Remove the word "bitch" from your vocabulary.

There is never an appropriate time to use it. Trust me when I say you cannot dodge the half full can of Coke that will be hurled at the back of your head. Ever notice there isn't a male equivalent? She has and it pisses her off.

Hint 2: Ten misdemeanors do not equal a felony.

Said another way, the sum of the parts is not greater than the whole. Don't lump all those little things she does into a single massive offense, making more of them then they are. There are very few felonies. Women have these little stenographers in their minds that captures all the crap you ever pulled and when it comes time to fight they'll remember stuff you have long since forgot about. If that is their game, don't you play. Don't trudge up past offenses in an attempt to strengthen you argument. Stay on topic and resolve the issue at hand.

Hint 3: Take breaks.

Even prizefighters go to their separate corners after a couple of minutes of pummeling. Marathons sessions that do not allow you to go gather your thoughts are a bad idea. When a pressure cooker has been on the fire too long without a release it explodes all over your kitchen. Those little breaks will allow you time to figure out if it is worth continuing. I recommend doing something with your hands. You'll know when your mother and I have been fighting because the kitchen will be spotless. I throw my anger into the dirt on the dishes. It doesn't fight back.

Hint 4: Saying "sorry but" doesn't mean squat.

When the time comes to call it quits and you want to make amends, it is always appropriate to say you are sorry. You are sorry that you hurt her feelings and that things got to the point where a fight occurred even if you where not in the wrong. However, it is important to stop there. If you say "I'm sorry but here is why..." or "but you made me feel..." you are just starting it up again. You are still being defensive and not letting the healing occur. If it was your fault, sorry comes at a price. Saying the words without performing penance is just so much lip service. You get one major screw up a week, after which the penance is magnified 10 fold. I'm not going to tell you how to make amends as each situation is different but I can tell you it is going to cost you...mainly in pride.

There can be no winner in a fight with your lady. The best of all outcomes is where you each learn something new about yourself and while ending the contest of wills with each person feeling like they've won. Paul Gauguin said, "A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes that he has got the biggest piece." Seek compromise on issues that you both are passionate about and from there agree to disagree on the details. Remember that you love her for her passion and convictions and that she loves you for the same reasons. Oh, and make up.

Let's talk about both how people can perceive you and how your actions can be thrown on those around you. I want to start off by telling you a story that may seem unrelated but hear me out. I already told you that when I was growing up that we were poor. What I haven't mentioned was that at an early age I was diagnosed with hyperactivity. In those days that meant they dosed you with Ritalin and a chaser of Phenobarbital. The purpose of these drugs were to help center the mind and temper the impulses. Problem was, I also had childhood epilepsy that required me to take a daily dose of Dilantin. This unholy trinity had the effect of making me either a space case or a zombie. My highs were too high and my lows just allowed me to store my energy for the next high. My grades were crap and my mother was losing her mind.

Anyway, when I was about 10 years old, my mother took me to a new doctor to see if he could help. It was one of those old style doctors' offices that separated the room into an examination area and a conference area. After 5 minutes of the doctor watching me bounce off the walls and my mother unable to get me to sit still, the doctor took her into the conference area closing me in the white walled cell of the examining room. Tearing the paper on the bed was fun but I got bored with it pretty quick. The rumbling from the other room piqued my interested so I went to eavesdrop. What I heard is still etched in my soul. The doctor was telling my mother that she was a bad mom and that if she couldn't get control of me he was going to recommend putting me away. She was crying her eyes out. I got pissed.

I can still remember the moment of lucidity when it overcame me. Who was this person who knew my mother for only 5 minutes to tell her that she was a bad mom? He was making her cry...because of me? I'll be damned. I gave it to him with both barrels and told him what he could do with his drugs. That day was the last day I took Ritalin, Phenobarbital, or Dilantin.(*) I was done. I'd prove him wrong my way and by God I did.

Son, your actions and your choices reflect not only on yourself but on your parents, your friends, and your girlfriends. You have to take responsibility for yourself to protect others from hardship and pain on your behalf. That means not acting in a way that you know is hurtful, cruel, or insensitive. You can't make other people respect and like those you care about but you can work to not contribute to that negative perception. The rest is up to them.

Back to the first impression thing I talked about in an earlier Rule. What people perceive to be true, in their realm of existence, is the truth. If people think you are a jerk, in their minds, you are. People's perceptions and opinions of others are based on their personal experience and fact-finding. If their only exposure to you includes you being either "a jerk" or in the above case that "she was a bad mom" they may come away from the experience with a perception that is not widely shared. Similarly, if they hear about you from a friend they trust while never actually having met you, their perceptions will be colored by other's words. Until you provide a stimulus that counters such beliefs, that is how you are remembered...by that person.

What changes this? Exposure to the person will add detail to the file that will in steps either confirm or overturn these impressions. Step one could move you to being "a REAL jerk" or to being "a jerk SOMETIMES." Regardless, their perception is their reality. People can only act on information they are provided. You have to determine whether or not it is important to you to correct their negative impression. They are not in the wrong, but they may be misinformed. You may not be in the wrong either but you can't blame them. It is hard to get a date if you've been tagged as a cheap, self-absorbed jerk who is only out for sex. Once you've got a date, don't be that guy because the word will get out and you'll never get a second.

Perception is, by default, point of view specific. We all have our own set of personal "filters" we use to judge others. It is beneficial to understand that "filters" come in all shapes and colors and by attempting to understand other people's point of view, you may learn stuff about yourself that makes you better at establishing long-term close relationships that could develop into the love of your life.

*Warning: Even if the symptoms have disappeared and you feel better, continue taking your medicine as directed until you finish it. If you stop taking your medication too soon, the problem being treated may return or worsen. If you feel a medication is not doing what the doctor told you it would do, or seems to be doing more harm than good, tell your doctor and shove them up his ass.

Remember that your mother and I will always trust in you, care for you and be there for you. One last story before I let you go. This is a story about a philosophy teacher who brought out a glass jar. He filled the jar with rocks, asking the students if they thought it could hold anything more. Of course, they said no. He proceeded to add pebbles until it could hold no more, asking the same question. Their reply was the same. Finally he added sand, until it could hold no more. The sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your spouse, your health, your children: if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

To that I'd only add that the core of love is trust, respect, and passion. Let them be your rocks.

Finally, one of the reasons I chose my motto, As below, so above, is because I believe that nothing is written in the stars. There is no fate - only the paths you make for yourself. When people say you can't do something, that it's too hard, that you'll never make it: tell them what old Jack Burton always said. "It's all in the reflexes." The power is in your hands. Make the best of the opportunities that present themselves seeking always to find new ways to better yourself. The ever wise and extremely short Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try." I've said it before, but it bears repeating: Your tomorrow starts today, so get to it.

Love,

Dad